When you expend more effort than you’re worth.

I’m noticing a trend lately.

People talk about what’s going on with them and I make the effort to engage and cheer them on. People have events coming up and I’m very interested, if not involved in how it’s going.

I’ve had a lot going on. So much that I’ve pretty much spent the entire weekend in bed asleep. And I needed that. What would also have been nice was if someone would give a damn about what’s going on with me.

This is a totally selfish post. I want people to be as interested in me as I am in them, and it’s just not reality. I think, for my own good, I need to scale back how much I pour into other people so I don’t end up exhausted and “empty” emotionally.

And that’s my whine for the night. I’m too tired to talk any more.

When he likes you a hell of a lot more than you like him.

Yeah, I’m talking about the whole dating thing again.

In the world of romance, I’m a slow bake.

There’s a big difference for me between prior relationship like and relationship like. The whole does-he-like-me vibe adds a whole other level to the pre-relationship likes. Once that uncertainty is removed, it’s just like.

I’m not quite a commitmentphobe, I’m just careful where I put my faith in another person to return my feelings. I’m also slow to warm up beyond liking the person. I think I’m incapable of those fast burn, passionate relationships. I’m too reasonable, too controlled and too conscious of the big picture to let myself get away from reality.

Part of me wishes I could give up some of that control and lose myself in the passion of a relationship, but that wouldn’t be me. It does, however, create a unique problem.

I’m pretty sure that right now, my boyfriend likes me a hell of a lot more than I like him.

Yes, everything I’m going to say boils down to the need to communicate with him, but this is my private blog. I’ll whine and stress and verbalize here, unlike other places.

The boyfriend routinely tells me how much he likes spending time with me. That he can’t wait to see me, that he very much likes me. He’s used “love” a few times, like, I love your face, or I love your personality, or that’s one of the things I love about you. Any use of the word “love” sends me into a panic attack. I won’t express that emotion when I do finally feel it for a while after I’m comfortable thinking it. I’m so not ready to even think it two weeks into a relationship. Okay, so almost three weeks. Whatever.

Part of me wonders now that if he’s so capable of expressing his feelings if there’s something wrong with my side. Do I not like him enough? Does he deserve to be cut lose to find someone who can like/love him as much as he does? Will I ever feel enough?

It’s confusing. Who determines these things? I don’t know. I’m not sure that I know enough about myself to be able to adequately decide this, either. I realize that it’s usually the woman who is too head over heels and the man who doesn’t express his feelings enough. I’m in an odd position, I know.

So that’s today’s thoughts.

Valentine’s Day Screw Ups

Okay, so it’s been a while since I’ve posted much of anything. I didn’t mean for this to turn out as a place where I talk about dating, but whatever. This is my private blog and I’ll talk about whatever! 🙂

I posted when I first started this about a guy I didn’t think returned my feelings. Well, as it turned out he did and we’re two weeks into a committed relationship. I’m not quite a commitmentphobe, I can commit, but I’m cautious about it. All of that aside, Valentine’s Day was our official two week mark.

A lot of people hate Valentine’s Day, others love it. I’m pretty moderate about it. I can take it or leave it, but I generally chose to celebrate it, single or in a relationship.

This year I didn’t really know what to do. Yeah, it felt like a little too soon to do anything big with a new guy in a fresh relationship. The days leading up to Valentine’s the new boyfriend asked me what my favorite candy was, we talked about our preferences of dark or milk chocolate. He talked about going to the Godiva store. Even asked me what my favorite flower was. I figured, based on those questions, he was going to get me something. Maybe something small which would be a relief, but still something.

I decided sort of last minute that I would go ahead and get him a gift. I ran to the store and got a pink, red and heart patterned Chinese take-out box, some tissue paper, candy and some gum. Instead of buying something off the shelf, I made a candy basket of his favorite things. I like to do thoughtful presents I know people will like without a doubt. I really enjoy giving gifts. It’s one of the things I really like to do in a relationship, be that with a friend, significant other or family member.

He shows up after work and ignores the present sitting conspicuously on a table in the central area of the room. I let it slide since he’s empty handed and now I feel awkward. We grabbed food, brought it back and ate all with the present sitting on the side table. While we’re eating he makes a comment about really hating Valentine’s Day, to which I responded that he could step off my parade because I was having a good day. And oh, by the way, I put the box in his lap.

Really? What else was I going to do? There was no graceful way out of the situation.

It wasn’t a big deal. Sure, I felt like an ass after listening to him talk about how ridiculous Valentine’s was and then handing him a gift. We should have talked about not celebrating it beforehand. It wasn’t a big deal and I was going to put it behind me.

That said, it’s really awkward to have co-workers and friends ask what we did for Valentine’s and have to confess that he didn’t get me anything, while I got him something that was actually pretty cool once I’d put all the components together. I went to a party on Saturday night at a mutual friend’s house and again, had to tell the same story. Sure, each time I tell it I feel a little more awful about it.

As it turns out this friend has been talking to my boyfriend and now my boyfriend is asking why he’s the last person to know I’m upset about it. Actually, he was the first. I said it to his face that night, but he doesn’t recall this. We’re now having a not-lovely text conversation/disagreement about the whole thing. He’s  made some poor word choices which now hurt my feelings even more. It’s annoying that we really should have had this conversation to head off all this mess and instead it’s getting to be something stupid.

I don’t care about Valentine’s Day. What I care about is a lack of conversation, that the poor communication has made me feel like crap for doing something I wanted to be a gesture of how much I care for him.

And that’s how I feel about that. *sigh*

Unwanted Party Favors

Let’s talk about party favors.

No, I don’t mean real party favors like candy or a bottle of bubbles, I mean STDs and STIs.

In the last year I’ve been trying to date more. It hasn’t been totally successful, but I’ve been trying. It seems like each potential partner that I really click with, at the end of a first good date, or on the phone before we ever meet, they relate that they have some sort of party favor going on. A few have had some serious stuff going on, and while I’m not going to judge someone for their past mistakes, that’s a lot to take on.

For what it’s worth, I’ll admit that as of my last STD/STI test earlier this month, I am clean. Therefore I have to think long and hard about potential partners and the risk of contracting something. Because if that person doesn’t stick with me for a happily ever after, that party favor is something I can take away with me and even pass on.

I’d say out of about 7 guys, at least 5 have disclosed something extra to me as part of the pre-dating or dating process. Two of them I had to apologize and tell that I couldn’t even go on a date and walk down that path because I couldn’t let myself fall in love with them. My health and quality of life are too important. The remaining three have been a spread of possibilities and research.

I don’t have answers. I’m just talking about the frustration of dating in this current age.

It pays to have open, honest communication. It also pays to be aware of your health and talk to your doctor, or a medical professional. I’m lucky that I have a dear friend that is a medical professional I can talk to at a drop of a hat. I’m also lucky that I have a doctor who is personable and really cares about her patients. Okay, sometimes that care steps over the line, but I’d rather have that then a doctor who doesn’t care.

And that’s my thoughts on a Sunday.

How does one go about being “just friends” when you feel for each other?

I posted last week about a guy I liked who I wasn’t sure liked me in return. Well I have my answer.

He likes me.

But not enough to want to date me.

Yet.

So we’re still friends.

How the hell do you do this? I’m serious. He and I have spent time together. In fact, we hung out all weekend, cuddled and he kissed me. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have let him kiss me, but I wanted him to. There have been other moments where I wanted him to, and I think it almost happened, but didn’t. And then it did and it was all I wanted. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him that we shouldn’t kiss anymore, which was what began the whole downward spiral from me being a crazy girl wondering where we were, to the let’s be friends who are interested in each other.

I get why we are not dating. There’s a lot of stuff that I won’t post, details of my life and his that are no one’s business. But I kind of feel like he’s wanting a for sure thing and in relationships there is no such thing as loving without risk. No, I’m not saying I love him, I’m saying I care about him and it could grow and become more if given the chance, and it could crash and burn.

Part of me wonders what’s wrong with me. Why am I not ____ enough to date? I’m good enough to keep as a friend though.

I’m good at friends. I’m a really great friend. I just wish the trunk of emotions had never been opened.

Now if we’re friends-with-feelings, but with no commitment, what if he or I meet someone else? What if I have to sit back and watch him chat and be a little flirty with another girl? What if all I want is a hug from him but can’t stand the lingering way it’s going to make me feel?

This sucks. There’s no good answer because I really think he’s not ready for a relationship, and I respect the hell out of him for being able to say that. It just sucks  for me, because I think I am ready and I want the security and freedom to feel for someone intimately.

No answers. No solutions. Nothing constructive to say except: this sucks.

The same sob story all girls cry.

My first real post is a whine. I’m sorry it’s not more exciting, but I try to limit the whining I do in public and at my friends.

I want to not just date, but fall in love.

See why this is an unremarkable topic?

You see, there is a guy I like, but for various reasons I’m not sure if he likes me in return, and if he does, if he’s interested enough to take this somewhere. I also wonder if I’m a little intimidating to him, or if he’s over his last relationship enough to want another relationship. I can’t read his mind, and unless I’m willing to make the first move and possibly destroy our friendship, I’m going to stay in the miserable “friend zone” of libido death.

He’s been a little distant today, or maybe I’m just riding the girly crazy train where he’s concerned. It makes me wonder if I’ve lost his interest. Makes me wonder if I shouldn’t open the can of worms and see if it’s worth talking about being attracted to him.

Even if nothing happens with him, I still want to find someone, but it seems like it’s near impossible to find a date these days with someone who isn’t raving crazy, or wants to show you his dick in the first few minutes.

Part of this could be me. I’m not great at flirting and I freeze up at the idea of making the first move on a guy. Part of me likes a guy who is confident enough to ask me our or just flat out tell me he likes me to my face. I realize that times have chanced and women don’t just sit on the sidelines these days.

I’ve always been good at taking the lead in life, except where dating is concerned. I don’t know what to do, and I wish I could get better advice. My friends are torn on this topic. Half think he’s dallied around too long and the other half think he’s a great guy but not for me. I realize I’m irrationally attached to him and reason isn’t going to play a part in this. I just want to make out with him, but I also want more than kissing, and I don’t know if he can give that.

A new page.

I decided to start sort of an anonymous online journal because so much of my life is public and part of a song and dance to sell products. I’m not sharing who I really am. Suffice to say that I’m a public type figure who just wants a place to whine and talk about the details not everyone wants to hear.